Unavailable, them or me?


I always thought they were the one's being unavailable. They had commitment issues. They were just players. They didn't see my worth. They just wanted to play games. They just wanted sex. They were the ones with the issue. Wondering who the 'they' I am referring to is? It's all the boys.

Yeah, they had all the issues, they were the one's completely unavailable I mean we had nothing in common in that area, right? HA! So not the case. 

There are many things I was saying without saying them. There were many ways I was unavailable. I just wasn't aware of them at the time. I had this way of thinking it went something like this. I thought that if I gave in to their advances things might change. You know, they would really start to like me for me, not just for sex. However, if I looked at my previous experiences it was clear that wouldn't happen. If I looked at my friend's previous experiences it was again clear that wouldn't happen.

I attracted unavailable men time and time again. Whether they would lead me on or be honest by saying they weren't looking for anything serious, I still wanted to believe this one would be different. Kind of like if I met his needs he will meet mine. Which is crazy when I think back because I was never actually verbalizing my needs. I was going along with their's in hopes that they would stay in my life and we could have something.

I must have been this super confident girl who thought I would just rock his world in the bedroom and he'd realize I was this great girl worth keeping. But that's not it. I was never confident & I never thought I had the power to sway his mind, even in the bedroom.

I was shy. In fact, before ever having a sexual encounter there were usually lots of drinks consumed. I needed them to loosen me up, to help me feel comfortable, to help me not care as much, and to help me engage socially. To help me stop thinking, worrying about what people were thinking about me and just go with the flow.

Would I hope that they would call? Yes. Would I hope they would want to hang out again? Yes. Would I hope they would be interested in more than just sex? Yes. Would I hope they wouldn't get distracted in a few weeks and we'd keep hanging out? Yes.

So why didn't any of these encounter's last? I mean I hoped that they would. Hoping wasn't enough, it wasn't changing anything. I lacked the self-control and the willpower to change my actions. I wasn't able to change my actions because I had not changed my thoughts.

I had not established clear boundaries. I had not gained self-control. Top that of with feeling unworthy, undeserving and talent-less and you have a little-lost-girl. A little-lost-girl living a life she's ashamed of even if she doesn't let anyone know that. A little-lost-girl who is miserable. A little-lost-girl who doesn't see a bright future for herself.

During that time I didn't realize that I felt unworthy and undeserving. I knew I lacked self-confidence but I had no idea the extent of it. I also didn't realize my pure lack of self-control. I wanted more but I didn't know how to get it. I didn't know how to walk away. I didn't know how to change. I was a little-lost-girl living a life she was miserable in. A life of stress, drama, and constant disappointment. I had no idea that I needed to change the way I was thinking about myself and life.

I met this guy and there was something different about him. I know how cliche, right? Now he wasn't a total 180 in comparison to the guys I was usually in to, but he was different enough. He intrigued me, he was funny, he was smart, and he was not at all the type of guy I had been interested in before.

He began to show me I was worthy, deserving and talented. He began to help me change the way I thought about myself and life. He did all this without realizing it. He was just being himself and that's what I needed. He challenged me in ways I had never been challenged, he made me want to be a better person and to accomplish more in my life all without making me feel less than.

Changing your thoughts changes your life. I want you to know a big change doesn't happen quickly. A big change happens by inching your way a little closer to your goal each day. When you begin working on your thoughts and becoming aware of them you will be opened up to a whole other beautiful world. Just in case you were thinking you needed a guy to help you realize this about yourself I'm here to clarify that isn't the case. I'm sharing my experience with you now so that you can begin to evaluate your thinking and your life.  

So today I challenge you to take the time to evaluate your daily thoughts. Keep a notebook or journal with you and at random times throughout the day take it out and write down your thoughts. Do this for at least three days without changing the way you normally do things. After those three days go back and read everything you wrote down. Then take a separate paper and write down what thoughts align with the person you want to be and what thoughts align with the person you no longer want to be. (Or you can just keep it simple and download this free workbook I created just for you to do all of those things in one place.)

This will help you become more aware of what changes you need to make. From there you can create some positive thoughts to replace the negative one's you desire to change and repeat those to yourself throughout the day.

Remember God is with you so who can be against you.

Until next time blessings, love, and gratitude,

Xo Staci

I'd love for you to email me your list of thoughts and help you sort through them. My email is staci@bigdreamsandbighearts.com and I look forward to hearing from you soon. If you're ready to get serious about transforming your life, download your free workbook to track your thoughts.  

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