Plagued by Mistakes

It was like my life was on repeat I made mistake after mistake after mistake. I know there are people who looked at me and thought she's never going to make anything of herself. But you know what I have since proved them wrong.

Honestly, there was a long period when I didn't think I was going to make anything of myself. I didn't need to hear it from other people because it was a record I regularly played in my own head. I didn't know how to shake it. It was just my life. It was just how things were. It was just my truth. 

Where did all my mistakes begin? I can recall losing my mothers trust less than a month before I turned 17 years old. The feeling is hard to describe but I knew I had ruined it. I had secretly left the house late at night while my mother slept, I had lied, I had returned the next morning, I had been out all night with who knows who is what she was thinking to herself, doing who knows what. 

I didn't admit it to her, but all the things going through her mind, all those worries, all that concern wasn't unwarranted. My innocence had been lost in a drunken haze that I could barely recall with a boy whom I was crazy about. However, I was not prepared for the mental and emotional confusion that would ensue as a 16-year-old girl crazy over this boy. 

It seemed like from that moment on I made mistake after mistake after mistake. It's strange how I could go from this responsible teenage girl to this lost yet obsessive boy crazed teenage girl. But isn't every 16-year-old girl boy crazy, confused, lost, and irresponsible? 

The answer is NO, not every 16-year-old girl fits that definition thank God. But for the one's who do it's important that we don't give up on them. What's the saying we were all once young and dumb, it applies right? I think so. It's easy for me to look back and see just how many mistakes I made and then proceed to tell myself how stupid, naive, irresponsible, a bad judge of character, and easy I was. 

But thinking that way didn't get me anywhere. In fact, it kept me in similar situations. It's like my life was on repeat but with different people. I would tell my friends I keep getting all the loser guys who don't want any commitment and I didn't understand how that was possible. 

The truth was I was attracting those guys. When they approached me I gave them the time of day. I didn't have any boundaries established. I didn't believe I was worthy of a decent guy even though I wanted one. So there I was again and again in that same miserable, broken, shameful and ugly situation. 

I would be so mad at myself! Staci, how could you let this happen? Staci, why did you give him your number? Staci, why did you answer the phone? Staci, why did you call at 2AM? Staci, why did you look at him? Staci, why did you go over there? Staci, why do you keep doing this to yourself?

The answer to those questions I was lost. I didn't know who I truly was. I didn't love, respect, or value myself. I didn't find myself worthy in fact I found myself very unworthy. 

Until I found out I was bringing another life into this world. That's when things really started to click for me on a whole other level. That's when I began to create boundaries and set limits. When I learned that I was going to be a mother especially a mother to a daughter I knew I wanted her to live a better life than I had. I knew I wanted her to be loved, respected, and cherished. I knew I wanted her to grow up seeing a positive, healthy, loving, and respectful relationship so that she clearly knew what that looked like and what to expect for herself. 

I knew I had to change. It was no longer about me. It was no longer about what I thought I could or couldn't do. It was time to put my big girl panties on and do what was necessary for my daughter.

I wish I could tell you that I got my life in tip top shape immediately and I lived happily ever after but that wouldn't be the truth. Did I make some life altering decisions? Yes, yes I did. Did I do a 360? No, no I did not. It took time and I was doing it alone unaware of a lot of things so it took me years and years. 

The point of all this? It doesn't matter how broken, messy, slutty, addicted, ashamed, abused, lost, guilty, or confused you have been. I know that's hard to understand. But God has forgiven your sins you are as white as snow. You are free to be the woman you have never felt qualified to be. You can have the desires of your heart. You are worthy of the desires of your heart.

I'm here to empower, support, motivate and love on YOU. I know doubt takes root down deep and tells you all sorts of lies but I'm here to tell you God has a calling on your life and it's time to wake up and claim it. Don't let your brokenness keep you down instead let's use it as fuel for your future. 


Until next time

Blessings, Love, & Gratitude,

Xo Staci

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